A Girl, A Broken Heart and The Lost Identity!

It is a mid Monday morning of Memorial Day and I sit in one corner of my room thinking about the past, present and with no clue about the future. I have had many holidays when I used to get up in ease and enjoy the morning raaga with just my computer then and spend the rest of the day without any pain of being left alone or confused on what to do next. But the past few months, I have experienced pain to the core and nothing more than that. I know I am speaking in such pathos, that the world might get to an end, but its my unending helplessness of liking(trying to avoid the 'loving' as much so that, if there is a hint, to forget her) her.

I know in many a context she isnt the best fit, but liking with knowing the fact is what has brought me into the situation where I am right now. But, in my sincere effort to forget her, I want to not like her as much as I do. Alas, I am so messed up that I am not able to contradict her in any way!

The journey has been painful, but I hope I survive through it. The Hope, huh, through which I have been coming all along trying to push it further, trying to pull the stings together, is now wading off in pain. Why pain?? If anyone asks me, I wouldn't have an answer, but atleast if I could realize that there is no pain involved if there no love on both the sides. If its just one person thing then, it should rather be a one time effort and me effortlessly coming out of it. But, that is the lost identity in me that I have lost the capability of forgetting on the spur.

I dare not to be involved, anytime going forward, as I am now. I am writing todays parchment only to come out of the illustrious painful world for a bit to realize my true identity, but it is damn difficult. No I fear, if this is it, if this how it is going to be in future.

Lost direction, is what I feel now, life is so similar to this blog-post. With uncertainty, I pick up the call from her now..This is how confused I am!!

vantage point

i was told, advised, reiterated many number of times that she is not the one for you. i felt it too a couple of times, but i didn't know why i liked her so much. to this very minute, regardless of the countless ways she has rejected, blamed, provoked, dumped me, even then i don't know why i like her.

but of all the pathos in life, i realize its for the good. i would still respect her, its been more than 12hrs past that we stopped talking and i come to realize, not that she is not correct for me as everybody says, but she is the perfect woman for sharing the life with me. But as said, you can never have the perfect black body, i realize that there is much more to achieve than to just boggle around with indefinite affection and grounding the rest of my life activities.

she has been quite a profound impact on me, she was quite impulsive. But the fact would remain the same, i love her. No matter how much i try to forget her, even by pinpointing the impulsive factor, i am not able to compromise on the fact that she was meant for me for life.

i am not sure where i am going with this, but if all that is meant to happen for good happens, i would reconcile one day that happiness, i predict now, to be worth the trauma of loosing her momentarily as of now. but there is a big "IF" before all this.

Man! i have darn'd to be like this, this one girl has topsy-turveyed my rather stable capricornian lifestyle.. all i can do is just sit and live in predicament of whats coming next, is it good or is it bad or is it as confused as it has been in the last few months.. waiting does take the toll sometimes.

purity within!!

of all the "jhatka's" - shocks in life, i have been getting in the past few months i have had experienced one more noteable one today.. but, the funny part is that being the person i am usually who gets pissed off on the third count. I am able to digest everything just for the fact that I Love this girl head over heels regardless of what may come. Most of the world says that she is not the one for me..people associated to her say that i am the one for her. I dont know what she thinks of me, but my gut says that she is the one for me.

For that main reason of trusting my gut, I hope, that one day I would be happy for life. I know she likes me, but the fright in her is far more advanced than her likeliness. Wish that every obstacle subsides and I get the Love of my Life.. I might be writing this emotionally and this might even sound funny to me a few blogs after. But at this very moment, I Love her with a very pure and sincere heart.

Hope my voices are heard!!

Hope her misconception of pure and impure gets cleared.. In the gist of my emotions I fear the loss of her would be devastating.. Still trusting my gut and living the dream, hoping for it to come true...