The Ordeal - Lessons Learnt

Its been quite past few months that I thought of writing and much did I notice that the whole concept of blogging had withered off late with time , catapulting to the laziness catalyzed by the advancement of technologies and prioritizing the effect of communicating. It is not that I am an atheist to technology. I am a excessive nerd to that matter when it comes to gadgets and how machines are masterminds to the minds that actually invented them.

Anyways, coming to the point of what I have been doing and what I would have been doing and what has been done. There is a lot of life that has been surpassed within these few months and I anticipate that's how life jolts by regardless of anything.

To me it was quite an ordeal and of the fact is as of now, but to that perennial thought, I have learnt and would continue to learn. Having succumbed to the influential opposite ordeals, which I was so strong I would be impeccable in dealing with such certain situations, I have learnt and relentlessly been learning that it is just a spec of thought that would keep you constricted to the way you think.

Realizing that now one would understand what I am talking about, I conclude thinking that I have conveyed it to myself.

There is more to life than love!!(in reference)

Time the most quintessential factor in this framed life, has a lot to teach, to have that "clarity in thought". I am getting to realize that everything that has happened had a purpose to teach me, to make me realize that i am always a learner till the last breath. The essence is that regardless of the insurmountable amount of pain that I have been going through, I see that there is peace of mind even in pain. As said in some movie(which I am not able to recollect to endorse) that every experience has a purpose in life to be taught.

I have to say that I have been lucky all my life to whatever that I have endured till now was of minimum effort and is purely luck that counted on me. If I have had gone through any pain that is basically because of deed, irrespective of the fact that I have been brought up by my parents with utmost care and knowledge for which wouldn't remorse to any extent, would I have know that efficacy.

Ignorance of not knowing.. there is so much to learn than to get wasted upon.

A Girl, A Broken Heart and The Lost Identity!

It is a mid Monday morning of Memorial Day and I sit in one corner of my room thinking about the past, present and with no clue about the future. I have had many holidays when I used to get up in ease and enjoy the morning raaga with just my computer then and spend the rest of the day without any pain of being left alone or confused on what to do next. But the past few months, I have experienced pain to the core and nothing more than that. I know I am speaking in such pathos, that the world might get to an end, but its my unending helplessness of liking(trying to avoid the 'loving' as much so that, if there is a hint, to forget her) her.

I know in many a context she isnt the best fit, but liking with knowing the fact is what has brought me into the situation where I am right now. But, in my sincere effort to forget her, I want to not like her as much as I do. Alas, I am so messed up that I am not able to contradict her in any way!

The journey has been painful, but I hope I survive through it. The Hope, huh, through which I have been coming all along trying to push it further, trying to pull the stings together, is now wading off in pain. Why pain?? If anyone asks me, I wouldn't have an answer, but atleast if I could realize that there is no pain involved if there no love on both the sides. If its just one person thing then, it should rather be a one time effort and me effortlessly coming out of it. But, that is the lost identity in me that I have lost the capability of forgetting on the spur.

I dare not to be involved, anytime going forward, as I am now. I am writing todays parchment only to come out of the illustrious painful world for a bit to realize my true identity, but it is damn difficult. No I fear, if this is it, if this how it is going to be in future.

Lost direction, is what I feel now, life is so similar to this blog-post. With uncertainty, I pick up the call from her now..This is how confused I am!!

vantage point

i was told, advised, reiterated many number of times that she is not the one for you. i felt it too a couple of times, but i didn't know why i liked her so much. to this very minute, regardless of the countless ways she has rejected, blamed, provoked, dumped me, even then i don't know why i like her.

but of all the pathos in life, i realize its for the good. i would still respect her, its been more than 12hrs past that we stopped talking and i come to realize, not that she is not correct for me as everybody says, but she is the perfect woman for sharing the life with me. But as said, you can never have the perfect black body, i realize that there is much more to achieve than to just boggle around with indefinite affection and grounding the rest of my life activities.

she has been quite a profound impact on me, she was quite impulsive. But the fact would remain the same, i love her. No matter how much i try to forget her, even by pinpointing the impulsive factor, i am not able to compromise on the fact that she was meant for me for life.

i am not sure where i am going with this, but if all that is meant to happen for good happens, i would reconcile one day that happiness, i predict now, to be worth the trauma of loosing her momentarily as of now. but there is a big "IF" before all this.

Man! i have darn'd to be like this, this one girl has topsy-turveyed my rather stable capricornian lifestyle.. all i can do is just sit and live in predicament of whats coming next, is it good or is it bad or is it as confused as it has been in the last few months.. waiting does take the toll sometimes.

purity within!!

of all the "jhatka's" - shocks in life, i have been getting in the past few months i have had experienced one more noteable one today.. but, the funny part is that being the person i am usually who gets pissed off on the third count. I am able to digest everything just for the fact that I Love this girl head over heels regardless of what may come. Most of the world says that she is not the one for me..people associated to her say that i am the one for her. I dont know what she thinks of me, but my gut says that she is the one for me.

For that main reason of trusting my gut, I hope, that one day I would be happy for life. I know she likes me, but the fright in her is far more advanced than her likeliness. Wish that every obstacle subsides and I get the Love of my Life.. I might be writing this emotionally and this might even sound funny to me a few blogs after. But at this very moment, I Love her with a very pure and sincere heart.

Hope my voices are heard!!

Hope her misconception of pure and impure gets cleared.. In the gist of my emotions I fear the loss of her would be devastating.. Still trusting my gut and living the dream, hoping for it to come true...

Conditional Love!

There is no such thing as "Unconditional Love" atleast in my case. I was questioned of being not settled in life, of not having enough bank balance. The grounds on which my heart was shattered into pieces. I have loved her unconditionally, for which I was judged upon these options. I realize that I am only an option in her life and not a priority. I realize that what I have endured is to the very minuscule to her and to my utter disappointment, there is nothing called Love.

Love, trust, confidence are all faint words and are just fictional and cinematic in life. Unconditional affection is only from those who are kin. To get into a relationship, the fairer sex always needs money. With this I have lost trust in love, but my respect towards her are intact. Let thy Lord shower her with the richest guy.

For loving her unconditionally, i would rather die in peace seeing her happy with the comforts in life. I know given the amount of time, I would reach her expectations. But for a guy, who goes with the gut feeling, like me there no place to be with her.

With a very shattered heart, which is battered for one more time, I feel obnoxious for I cannot forget her. I know, I have to let go..but I can't as I loved her for what she is. Hope another faint word is what I need to sooth in for, at least to wait to rest in peace.

Ruthlessly Dumped.

I come to my own senses now..combating my own gut. I need to say, to come out of such Sloth, needed a strong point from this girl I respect the most, in fact I shouldn't even be afraid to say that I loved the most.

Despite of all the well wishers saying that she wouldn't match my aura of thought and living. I was stubborn enough to believe my inexperienced gut. I am elated to have such good family, such good friends. Thanks to the Lord on that.

There so much to say that the of all that I have lost in all these month of feud likeliness towards this girl, did give me a good lesson to learn. I have gone to an extent of disgracing my own identity for the sake of the gut feeling towards this girl. Man coming to my own senses is such a good feeling.

I hope I am not writing this piece in mere wrath of frustration, but down the line, I would be pretty confident in going over this blog for what I have done and what eventually happened for my own good.

Of all the words, I had to hear to my greatest of disgrace was the act of being hooked up that made me realize that I was not even being treated humanely. I hope all the good in the world is done to this girl..for whom I would pray God that I would have the utmost respect going forward.

For what I have done, I would be sorry to my better half and would truthfully apologize about this encounter out of the others.

Whats lost...

- trust to love anyone truthfully
- time
- interest in things that most interest me

whats gained

- the value of friendship
- the value of time
- appetite

Now coming to the grand finale, the reasons for which i have been dumped.. i hope anyone who reads this would realize, atleast i did, that beyond love there are certain boundaries of security standards that are set by the "indian prototypes"

- even though from the same caste, state there a difference in region.
- being a qualified professional and working for a couple of years with a considerably good bank balance, what I have endured is not satisfactory.
- beyond love, which i realize of late that everyone for that matter the nearest of kin can't be convinced with, parents wouldn't agree.

hearing the above, i realized that they were just mere reason to dump rather than a legitimate issue. henceforth going against my gut was the best optimal solution..

well, the say came out to be true again though "Man proposes. God Disposes" Being and ardent believer in the Lord, i would for now go with it.

true love is blamed?!

of all the pain, the greatest of pain are that nerve wrecking words to hear when your true love is blamed, without even questioning. i feel that disquieting welter of emotions are all lost in hearing that paralyzing words which are effortlessly thrown out without even a slightest concern of how heartbreaking it would feel to the other person.

may be is the deeds that are done in the past that reflect the present, may be its that reckon of not having the ability to realize true love in the bygone days. the present is so painful that you get to realize that it was a similar situation that was caused by you in the past.

i know that the past repeats in itself, but never could assess the intensity of the pain that it would bring with it. i am sad to be sorry of the broken moments that i caused, which i face in the present. but then i realize that it was that deed of mine that gave that strong heart to those, for them to be in the position they are in now. hope the exact same doesn't happen to me. just to save the present to be intact. i realize that true love.. again, just cant afford to loose it.

America - an(d) Indian thought!

they say its the land of opportunities, facing the facts at the moment are different thought, but i am not going to write about the opportunity this land has created instead wanted to talk about the options it has to live the life at will. in the first quarter of my life, i have learnt to live in a way where my endurance would be specific to me and no one else could have possibly endured it. the pain, the peace in mind has taken me to a state of mind where the Indian moment comes to place.

being and living the Indian tradition is nevertheless worth-full if true love is blamed

true love is never lost!

i am a person who believes in the gut feeling. the tremendous pressure, of all that i have gone through in the recent past, i have this gut feeling that she is "the one". from the very first moment i saw here on from a stereotyped staircase on a wonderful morning, in an elegant yellow traditional dress, with a beautiful half smile and shimmering shoulder length hair and a nostalgic looking spectacles. i was dumbstruck, even more when the gut feeling of "she is mine" pondered over my heart.

the gut, says it all and it says it to let go on others decisions, going with the heart and mind in sync is the best of feelings.

believing in destiny and in God, would always result in a happy ending.. hope that comes true..not sure whats written, but confident of the fact that all would be in best of interest..what a Player!!

and the delirious life worsens ...

huh!! lost the passion, lost the power, lost zeal and left with illusion. thats what you get when are true to the heart, at least in terms of settling down in a relationship. all the gratitudes of life are flickering in dillusion at the present state of my mind and as i write i feel sick of it.

why? why in the hell? did i try to get in, didn't i try to get out? knowing that there would be pain more than the sweet sooth of love. i have been dwindling and now am a such phase of life, that it should have been better.

the more caring u try to be, that more wrathful the situation would turn to be. it is always to be in that dont care attitude that the are to be treated with. deception is the only best way to make and keep control. i knew it from the very begining, but couldnt never implement it. thats the charm a girl, you truely love, would batter you with.

beware my friends its a complicated love story...

love in(and) pain

blanked out!!! thats the present state of my mind as i sit on the wee hours of this friday morning. i sit in complete consideration of penning down this blog for this one giRl of the utter many in my life, and i sit in such blankness of thought, mind and soUl filled in pain. ask me, who is she? why do you love her so much? would you do anything for her? and my answer would be as blank as i am as of now. i really dont know. but as me do you love her? and in would without second thought, with coherent consistence would say "yes" period.

i am not sure what the end result of this exPerience would be, but in the process i have felt, thought, dreamt, implemented, chased, requested, regretted, antagonised and empathized feelings in such extreme states, just to realize that there is one part in me that is me in whole and in complete love with this girl.

what can i say, such is the influence of her, that a virtually impossible being whom everyone considered would never fall for this very pretext, got blindfolded and tangled into. its as if that the hell is broken loose and it is with one strong emotion that i am considering it down under hoping that the end would result in the happy ending note.

but the truth, be said, at the end of this soon forseen drama, would give me a good lesson to learn, regardless of the result. i sincerely prAy to gain that strength to tackle and digest it to lead, without engraving her name if it goes in the other way.